Lamentation XXIV

From July 28, 2020

Why did he do it? Why did he want to die? Why did he use his own hands to end his own life? Why questions are difficult to wrestle with. With other deaths there are why questions too, but with suicide there is this haunting: an enemy didn’t kill my son; it was his own hands. 

Yes and no.

Before Elliot died, I did not know there were different forms of depression. I did not know the difference between chronic depression and major depressive disorder. Since he died, I have talked with people that face major depressive disorder in their lives. Some of them have survived suicide attempts. They describe a horror that is painful to even imagine. I don’t think Elliot knew how to communicate what he was going through and I know I did not know how to listen. 

A fire inside

In 1911, the Triangle Shirt Factory caught on fire. On the upper floors of the building people died jumping out of windows, and it wasn’t because they wanted to die. They just wanted to get away from the flames. Every disease does something to your body. Depression can cause two deadly symptoms: a sense of isolation and loneliness, and a sense that one is a burden to others. They are a symptoms of a disease. Are they the answers to my “why’s”? Are they the fire that I didn’t see burning? 

I look at pictures of my son, and I still don’t understand. How did it get to this place? A few weeks before he died, I asked Elliot how school was going. He said, “Dad, the other guys like engineering more than I do.” I think he was trying to tell me that he was worried that he did not fit in. He was anxious about losing connection. If he changed majors would they still be his friends? Would he have a place? I could see that he was worried, but I did not see his depression. We need better smoke detectors and sprinkler systems for mental health. I didn’t recognize his dire situation then, but I am starting to accept that major depressive disorder was the fire that caused my son’s death. 

And that leads to a whole new set of “why’s”.