From September 1, 2020
A year ago Elliot was alive. He had 40 days left of his life. The air is crisp and cool this morning just like it was last year. So many things are the same, but not our family. My daughter is taking the same class that her brother took a couple years ago, and she will read Dante and Boetheus just like he did.
Inferno
I have never read Inferno, but I am told that in the story poisonous thorns trap suicides for eternity. From what I have learned about the suicidal mind, the plague of Major Depressive Disorder traps the mind in poisonous thorns. I think Dante had it right and he had it wrong. Poisonous thorns are not the punishment for succumbing to depression by attempting suicide. They are what people that die by suicide are attempting to escape.
Elliot started showing signs of depression in the year he read Dante. We did not know at the time we were seeing signs of depression. This pilgrimage of surviving suicide loss has taught us what the signs of depression are. Too late, of course. The cruelty is that while Elliot is gone, the thorns remain. I can see them more clearly now. They may be native to hell, but their roots have invaded the earth.
Pilgrimage
My daughter is on a long pilgrimage, too. She goes through this school year, reading Dante, then soon she will face a birthday, a day that should be filled with joy. However, on her next birthday she will be the same age as her brother when he died. From that point on, for the rest of her life she will be older. The younger sister being older than her older brother.
She says that she is standing next to a pit. I asked her what the pit is and she said, “hopelessness”.
That is our life in this moment. On one side, the air is crisp and cool. The sun is rising. Adventure, laughter, joy, and even pain fill life. On the other side. There is a pit.
I think you are right. The poison is the belief that there is no way out of the pain. The way out is in speaking it, putting a name to it, saying it to a trusted other who knows how to deal with it. There is something about putting feelings into words that allows them to change.