Catalin asked the question, “What were Elliot’s hobbies?” Thank you Catalin for sharing a comment on the blog and for asking this question.
Elliot’s Hobbies
Elliot had many loves, interests and hobbies. He loved comics, robotics, science, politics, philosophy, engineering, archery, and music. However, more than any of these interests, Elliot liked to have deep conversations and debates about any of these topics. He loved to learn about just about anything.
His love of comics started at an early age. When he was two Anne and I took him to the drive-in to see Spider Man. It was perfect because we could turn down the sound and cover his eyes during the scary parts. He loved superheroes from that day on.
At nine, Elliot saved his money and bought a solar powered mechanical horse. He soon figured out how to power it with a battery as well. This grew into a love for robotics and engineering. Building robots and competing in competitions with them became a passion for years. Elliot loved robotics because he got to argue with his teammates about designs and strategies.
Elliot thought deeply about more than robotics. Debate was a passion because he could argue and dive into philosophy and politics. Elliot competed fiercely, but what he really enjoyed were the conversations between rounds with friends. Elliot played Magic the Gathering, a card game with his best friend Oscar for hours and hours. He also played Magic online. He was playing the night before he died.
Lost Memories
On October 11th, 2019, I became a suicide loss survivor. When I first heard that term, suicide loss survivor, my stomach wretched. These were my thoughts, “That’s not me. I did not survive suicide. Nobody survives suicide. They are dead. That is what makes it suicide.” I did not know that the term survivor in this case refers to someone who is still alive who has lost someone to death. The obituary said that Elliot was survived by his mother and father… I am a father and a suicide loss survivor or a father who has lost his son to suicide.
Elliot’s death impacted my memory. At first, it seemed like memories of him were vacuumed out of my brain. Other suicide loss survivors have experienced the same phenomena. Some of them say that over time, the memories start to come back. It feels like my memory has gaps. I am not a psychologist, but trauma and shock have impacted my brain function. When I think about Elliot, usually the moments of his birth, and the last few times I saw him are crystal clear. Most everything else is hazy. My lack of memory causes guilt. The thought is often, “You don’t remember because you didn’t love him enough. You were too selfish to pay attention.” At times, the guilt is intense. When memories come back to me, they are usually accompanied by tears. The more vivid and pleasant the memory, the more tears I have.
I have this memory of my five children experiencing the ocean for the first time. The air was warm. A sense of wonder was on their faces. Their bodies sprung toward the water. The waves would knock them down, and they would get up and keep going. It used to be a memory of pure joy. Now, it is mingled with sorrow.
Thank you Catalin for the question, it reminds me of him playing with Oscar, talking with James, arguing with Reid and Simon, of him sitting at this table researching debate topics, and bounding through waves.
