From August 22, 2020
I see in my own family the unique scars that we bare from Elliot’s death. I see it when we visit Elliot’s grave together. The group usually ends up spreading out even when it is just Anne and I. We spend time together, but also spend time alone. We need the solitude. Pain is both communal, and isolating.
There is a nakedness that is exposed at the cemetery. When someone else comes to a grave two feelings pull at me at the same time. I have this compulsion to watch, and a conscious feeling that I should look away. Does their grief look like mine? Is it different? I can sometimes see when the loss is fresh or when it has mellowed over time. I can also see when the survivor has avoided the reality of death for so long that they can hardly face it.
Some never get out of the car
I’ve seen mourners at the cemetery that stay in their cars. Sometimes alone, sometimes with a friend. They never get out. A few times I have made brief eye contact or looked at the person’s face. The look says this is as close as I can get. The person is usually looking down like a teenage boy who is afraid to ask a girl to dance.
In some ways, I do the same thing. I walk around the cemetery speculating on others. Thoughts and imaginations about their stories and the interactions between other survivors and their deceased fill my mind. I make the rounds to other graves, and so much of it is due to the fear of rejection. Will my love ever be reciprocated? Will Elliot respond to my invitation? Does he hear the words I cry or whisper? Years from now, when I am buried will it matter that I am buried next to him? Or will it just be me and the earth? I go to the cemetery because I have hope in the resurrection, but I am sheepish while I am there because I have fear that the pain that I am feeling here and now is all there is.
1 Corinthians 15:12-19
New International Version
The Resurrection of the Dead
12 But if it is preached that Christ has been raised from the dead, how can some of you say that there is no resurrection of the dead? 13 If there is no resurrection of the dead, then not even Christ has been raised. 14 And if Christ has not been raised, our preaching is useless and so is your faith. 15 More than that, we are then found to be false witnesses about God, for we have testified about God that he raised Christ from the dead. But he did not raise him if in fact the dead are not raised. 16 For if the dead are not raised, then Christ has not been raised either. 17 And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins. 18 Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ are lost. 19 If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are of all people most to be pitied.